I know you are troubled and suffering. The Lord has been drawing me into prayer for you and I wanted you to know that I feel your pain. Let me share a little story with you. I'm going to eat a great big piece of humble pie and tell it; maybe you won't feel so alone.
Before my conversion, I led a very worldly life. I was in a state of mortal sin and hated every minute of it. I painted the world red. You name it, I did it. I was in a downward spiral and didn't know how to turn myself around. I loved going out to clubs on weekends and tossing down a few too many. It felt great to be buzzed. When reality wasn't staring me in the face my depression would lift temporarily. It was like a mini vacation from life...or so I thought. My pain would recede and I would feel like a normal person for a bit. As a child of an alcoholic, I knew what I was doing was unwise and dangerous but if it helped me escape the misery that was me that was enough.
One day, shortly after I got married, My husband and I went to a local club to watch a band play and "yours truly" got trashed. Drunk as a skunk. So drunk that out in the parking lot (this was around 1:30 in the morning so don't worry all, there were no children around), I decided to "moon" my friends. Yep, you read that right folks - there were two moons out that night. Course mine was blue because it was the middle of winter. I bet you can guess what else was sitting in a cruiser in the far corner of the parking lot. A policeman. Murphy's law. The one time in my life that I decide to pull a stunt like that, I get caught. And arrested. And thrown in jail for four hours until my friend brought down the bail money. I even had to go to court and was fined $150 dollars. My humiliation was not yet complete. Come to find out, some of the local newspapers thought this was hysterically funny and wrote it on the front page. One can imagine what it said :)
Not long after this incident the Lord stepped into this wounded soul's life and began transforming my life. This was a painful process because deep surgery needed to be performed. To this day the Lord continues to change me. Never give up hope, Shadowlands. If it helps, I can tell you a few other stories, too. You are not alone in your fallen nature, I am with you...and so is Jesus.
I figured, if nothing else, it would bring a little smile to your face. If it does, then it's worth it - even if I lose all my followers :) God bless you, my sister in Christ. I am praying for you.