The Lord knows everything about us. Including secret motivations of the heart that WE aren't even aware of. Buried deep inside us are often hidden agendas that need to be brought to the surface for healing. Over the years the Lord has drawn my attention to many of these - which I then tried to correct with the help of his grace. Still, until the experience of feeling as if my soul was bared to the Lord I had no idea how deeply rooted they were and how much work still had to be done. I'm realizing now that my previous experience of this type of purgation left me thinking , "Well this can't go on forever. There has to be an end to it at some point." Problem being...I have no clue where that point is. For all I know, this latest healing could be the merest tip of the iceberg. Sigh.
I'm always wary during periods of deep consolation. And if I'm being honest...they make me a bit nervous. And rightly so (lol). As thankful as I am for these profound experiences of God's love, I know what's coming next. From past experience, at least in my case, it seems that the greater the consolation...the greater the purgation that follows.
Healing isn't always pretty. But then again, neither are the wounds which the Lord is seeking to heal. Here is a brief glimpse of my prayer life during this period of spiritual healing:
Each morning, after getting my daughter off to school, I like to pray the Divine Mercy Chaplet. I always ask St. Faustina's intercession (Padre Pio's, too) while I pray this chaplet and I join my prayers to theirs. Much to my surprise, during this time, I rarely could make it through an entire Chaplet without bursting into tears. Huge great gulping sobs that I was powerless to stop. Sometimes these tears would go on for an hour. I was both shocked and appalled by this. Sure, I've cried during prayer before but never like these huge upheavals. And after these storms I would feel wonderful! Each day I would think that, surely it was over, but it just went on and on. The more I cried, the better I felt. It was as if the Lord was taking huge burdens off my soul and filling those places with love. Then, one day, the tears just stopped.
Last month I attended another healing service. Much to my surprise, I was called into the aisle, prayed over, and Slain in the Spirit. Within a couple days the tears during prayer started up again, much to my chagrin, and just stopped a few weeks ago. It left me feeling very peaceful.
We are oh so very fragile in our humanity. At times we despise this fragility but I've come to see that it is this very frailty that moves God's heart so much. He understands our total dependence on Him though we may not understand it ourselves. His strength is made perfect in weakness.
"My grace is sufficient for you, for power is made perfect in weakness." 2 Cor. 12:9