Wednesday, September 30, 2009

Where did it go now, Lord?

In the head of Mary N:

Lord? Lord? Where did the holy mountain go this time? I'm onto you, Lord. I use to think that I was never making any progress spiritually because the holy mountain was always the same distance away. Then I realized that you kept moving it back a few miles. I know that you were being kind because you didn't want me to be overwhelmed by how deep the sin ran in me. But this time, Lord, it is only a vague outline way off in the distance. Good thing you left footprints to follow.

Utterly Thine, O Lord!

Tuesday, September 29, 2009

A stepping stone, not a stumbling block

Fibromyalgia affects the brain. They call it brainfog. A fitting term for it, as my brain feels quite fogged up sometimes. I look at some of my posts and can see how disjointed they are and yet my brain cannot organize my words properly. A few of my followers can probably relate to this. It has become the source of much laughter in our house and my husband and daughter are quite good-natured about it. Sometimes my husband may find the butter in the freezer or the ice cream in the closet :) I lose things. I write myself notes and then lose the notes. My niece always giggles because I'll drive off in my car with a tea or water bottle on the roof. When I was pregnant, I kept losing my pocketbook. Sweet husband that I have would often carry it for me. It takes a real man to do this ;) Along with the brainfog, comes muscular and joint pain and also a deep and chronic fatigue. My brother-in-law's nickname for me used to be "napster" because in the early years I would have to take naps after work each day. Fibromyalgia certainly has it's humorous side.

All humor aside, fibro is a very painful disease. Because it is misunderstood, it is often mocked and considered "all in one's head." I can assure you that this is not the case. Sometimes it hurts to even breathe because it can affect internal muscles, too. My bladder has been extremely affected by it. I used to get up anywhere from 3 to 16 times per night to use the bathroom. Medication has reduced this to 1 or 2 times per night. My immune system is affected by this disease, also. Another common symptom is thickened body fluids. This can make it difficult for some women to conceive. It can also cause a chronic thirst because the saliva is thick and doesn't keep the tissues of the mouth and throat moist. Many with fibro will wake up in the morning with swollen faces and eyes glued shut. I use cold , wet, cloths and icepacks to reduce this. The list goes on and on...

I am writing this post because I have friends, relatives and have met wonderful people online who are suffering. Some have fibro, some have other diseases that cause chronic pain. I just wanted to tell you that I understand and pray for you all. Someone else understands, too....Jesus. And he cares. He has walked in the shoes of suffering and suffering is highly redemptive when united with His. Use your suffering as a stepping stone to Him.

Jesus, this disease that scourges me so, I unite with your scourging at the pillar. In the garden of my suffering, I lay my head against you who suffered so much in the Garden of Gethsemane. Like you, I am mocked in my suffering and I place this too in your loving hands. Thank you for holding my hand while we walk this painful road . I unite my thirst with yours. When I am suffering internally and externally, I see you stretched out on the cross and  I feel a love so fierce and strong it gives me strength and hope for the journey. I know where this one ends. When my time comes, my final breath will be united with yours and your words will be my words: "Father, into thy hands I commit my spirit."
Utterly Thine O Lord

Saturday, September 26, 2009


Yikes! We had a major flood in our condo. We had my brother over for a visit tonight and he said,"What's that noise? It sounds like your water is running."  I went into the kitchen, looked up and saw water pouring into our apartment coming from the condo above us. Unfortunately, they were not home and no one could get in. By the time someone managed to get in upstairs the damage was done. 2 inches of water upstairs and it all leaked down into our place, through the light fixtures, the ceilings and the walls. We mopped frantically for hours. The brand new light fixture in our kitchen cracked and we have no electricity in our kitchen or bathroom. Finally, the guys from ServePro showed up. They are using a water extracter on the carpets and a dehumidifier in our condo and the one upstairs. What a mess. That's what I get for complaining to the Lord about my dirty floors ;) They're spotless now! On the plus side, my ceilings need to be painted anyway.

The odd thing was that we were not even supposed to be home. Every other Saturday is date night for my husband and I; we alternate with my sister and her husband and take turns babysitting. I was not feeling well so Randy dropped Michaela off to play with her cousins and then came home. Had we not been here the damage would have been phenomenal. The Lord is good.

Love Story

My favorite book of all times: The Bible. I treasure every word written in it. Here is one of my favorite passages. (One of thousands.)

"Indeed, the word of God is living and effective, sharper than any two-edged sword, penetrating even between soul and spirit, joints and marrow, and able to discern reflections and thoughts of the heart. No creature is concealed from him, but everything is naked and exposed to the eyes of him to whom we must render an account."  Heb. 4:12,13

When I read Scripture, I always ask the Lord to seal His Words into my heart. The bible is divinely inspired  and should reach deeply into our hearts. Certain passages set me on fire from head to toe. I can feel the truth of the words in both a spiritual and physical way. The Holy Spirit floods me when He wants to draw my attention to a particular passage. Waves of love encompass me. It is a love story. Read the lines and between the lines.

Wednesday, September 23, 2009

A Love that Consumes

I consume Jesus in the Eucharist and Jesus consumes me. His Divine Heart completely overwhelms this poor sinner's heart. No words could ever fully express the greatness of this Sacrament! We receive The Body, Blood, Soul, and Divinity of Our Lord Jesus Christ! A Grace and Gift so amazing that it leaves me speechless at times. Just writing about it can move me to tears. We are truly living temples. Sometimes after receiving Communion I think, "How can this be? How can the Eternal Word  give us Himself with such love and tenderness?" Cradle Him in your souls, for this is a Love so immense and so all-encompassing it is beyond expressing in earthly terms. Still, these ancient words are beautiful:

Let all mortal flesh keep silence,
and stand with fear and trembling,
and meditate nothing earthly within itself.
For the King of kings and Lord of lords,
Christ our God, comes forward to be sacrificed,
and to be given for food to the faithful.
And the bands of angels go before Him
with every power and dominion,
the many-eyed cherubim, and the six-winged seraphim,
covering their faces, and crying aloud the hymn:
Alleluia, Alleluia, Alleluia.

Utterly Thine O Lord !

Tuesday, September 22, 2009

Standing in the Gap

Pray. Pray and intercede. Stand in the gap for those who have not yet turned to the Lord. Do not hold back.

Abandon yourselves to Him. People are blinded to the gravity of our times. They don't want to see. They say our times are like any other. Those who believe this are wrong. Our nation is in trouble and so is the world.

Open your eyes.

"As long as Moses kept his hands raised up, Israel had the better of the fight, but when he let his hands rest, Amelek had the better of the fight. Moses' hands, however, grew tired; so they put a rock in place for him to sit on. Meanwhile Aaron and Hur supported his hands, one on one side and one on the other, so that his hands remained steady till sunset."        Exodus  17: 11,12

"Let my eyes stream with tears, day and night, without rest,
Over  the great destruction which overwhelms
the virgin daughter of my people, over her incurable wound."    Jer. 14:17

There is a pruning process going on. A separation of the sheep from the goats. It has been going on for years and it continues to grow in intensity. A smaller group of people called to great holiness. Don't be fooled. If you cannot see this, ask the Lord with all your heart to give you light.

Lord, open the eyes of your people. May the light of your truth shine in all hearts.

Utterly Thine, O Lord!

Monday, September 21, 2009

Childhood Dreams

I have always had an affinity for the written word. My parents owned a bookstore when I was a child and I was given free reign here, as long as I was careful not to bend the spines of the books. It was like having the world at my fingertips. I would spend hours in the back room devouring books. The name of the store was The Booklore and it was here that the my love for reading flowered. I was a bookworm and probably read half the books in the store. They even let me take them home. I wanted to be a writer when I grew up.

 Life got in the way and my dreams were not realized. Not then, at least. God's plans were different than mine. I still was an avid reader, but I wrote less and less. I continued to journal and write poetry well into my twenties. Then one day, I just stopped. Gave up. I thought, "Well, I guess the Lord has other plans for me."  Shortly after my husband and I got married, Randy bought me a word processor. I didn't use it...not once.  It wasn't until after my conversion that I picked up my pen again. Except this time, I started writing about and to the Lord. And you know what?  I never stopped. I had three dreams as a child, to read, to write, and to draw. An early poem that I wrote expressed this desire:

Three in a palm
Not in a fist
I blow softly
Making a wish
Childhood dreams
Rest here
Searching for
An angels ear

Did God hear me? Well, I'm reading, writing, and I just picked up supplies to start drawing again. So, yes....I guess He did. In His time and in His way. And in Him lies an endless source of inspiration.

Lord, help the seeds and gifts that you have planted in all of us flower and grow. We are all unique. May we all use our gifts and talents for Your Greater Glory. Utterly Thine, O Lord.

Saturday, September 19, 2009

Misnomers and Misconceptions

Humanity, humankind has lost it's sense of the humane. Here is the definition of humane: inclined to treat others, and animals, with kindness; benevolent; compassionate.

Annually, 46 million babies die from abortion worldwide. That's every year! How could this happen? How did this begin?

They called lust - "Free Love"
They called birth control -"protection"
They called a baby - "a blob of cells"
They called abortion - "pro-choice"
They called euthanasia - "mercy killing"

I think people have gotten caught in a web of lies spun by the master of lies. This will fall as all lies eventually do. I think they have run out of covers. What cover can they possibly find for partial birth abortion? The cover is being lifted and the truth exposed.

Friday, September 18, 2009


"Therefore I prayed, and prudence was given me;
  I pleaded and the spirit of Wisdom came to me.
  I preferred her to scepter and throne,
  And deemed riches nothing in comparison
  with her,
  nor did I liken any precious gem to her;
  Because all gold, in view of her, is a little sand,
   and before her, silver is to be accounted mire."    Wisdom 7:7-9

Wisdom, or prudence, is a cardinal virtue. Wisdom is NOT intelligence. Wisdom is understanding. Some of the most highly educated people in our country are completely lacking in wisdom. Look at some of our government officials, many are highly educated. But wise? No. They run around in circles chasing their own tales. And yes... I meant tales; there is very little truth in their speech. Wisdom pierces to the heart of the matter. A person can be both intelligent and wise. Pope John Paul II comes to mind, as does Mother Theresa. Often, though, scholars lack wisdom. Worldly knowledge and wisdom are two different things. Ask a scientist what is growing in a pregnant woman's uterus  and he'll give you a spiel about zygotes dividing and forming a ball of cells, etc... ask a child and the child will tell you it's a baby. Who is wiser?

Now, then, children, go to school.
And you men, go to the school of life
Go and learn
How to unlearn.             Charles Peguy

President Obama, if you are unsure of what is growing in a pregnant woman's belly, my 6 year-old would be more than happy to tell you. She has never heard of abortion though....and I pray she never will.

Thursday, September 17, 2009

Wrinkles! Flab! Gray Hair!

I found 3 gray hairs on my head this year. At first  I tried to pass them off as blonde but they were stiff little buggers and this did not fly. " Nope, those are definitely gray." Or so says my husband. [By the way, Randy, the ones on your chest aren't blonde either. And no... the beach sun did not bleach them.]  A friend suggested that I pluck them out since there were only 3. WHAT! Pluck out my badges of honor. I didn't come by these three hairs easily I'll have you know! They were earned through hard labor. Besides, they match the 3 wrinkles on each side of my eyes. My mom says, "Those aren't wrinkles, those are expression lines." Thanks Mom, that really helps:(   My daughter is the honest one. She says, "But Mommy, I think your wrinkles are cute. I think that you are the second cutest girl in the whole wide world." [ She's the first, or so she believes...her world isn't very wide yet.] "And Mommy, your belly isn't fat, it's just mushy. I like you just the way you're cuddly." I like Michaela's viewpoint the best. Cuddly, with cute wrinkles. I got my hair permed once; Michaela didn't like it. Everyone else did. She didn't like it because,"You don't look like Mommy." She had a point. Why would I want to change the way I look? If it's good enough for God, it should be good enough for me. Which brings up the question of vanity. Am I vain? The answer to this would have to be yes. I've certainly confessed it often enough. Do I want to be vain? The answer to this is a resounding, NO! The Lord has given us a natural cure for this type of vanity. Wrinkles! Gray hair! Mushy bellies? The medicine is slightly bitter but definitely effective.

We live in a world that is caught up in vanity. Look at movie stars. Look in fashion magazines. [I do not read these.] As a matter of fact, I rarely watch movies anymore. There are very few good ones. I don't watch much TV either. The things that used to draw me, now repulse me. Hollywood has gone over the edge and the landing will be rough. Occasionally a good movie will come along, but these are few and far between. Many books disgust me; I often toss them down after a few pages. I choose my books with more care now. The fine arts have lost their artistry. Or maybe I should say - authenticity. Instead of pointing to a greater truth, they point at themselves. True art is lost when it comes from the ego...the false self. Art inspires awe when it unveils true beauty; when it's aim is a truth greater than ourselves. Vanity is the word that comes to mind when I look at the fine arts in these days. I find that I have to search more diligently for honest expressions of these gifts now. When I do find them, I value them all the more. It is like digging for treasure. Sometimes all I find is fools gold, but here and there I will find a gem.

Thank you, O Lord, for helping me find gems of wisdom and pearls of truth in the midst of depravity. Purify me, that I might be a good example to my daughter and the youth of the world. Draw my eyes away from myself and towards Thee; for in Thee lies all truth.

Tuesday, September 15, 2009


When I was a child, I was in awe of God. All of creation astounded me. I felt His Presence always. I lost this sense of God during my teenage years. As Archbishop Fulton Sheen put it, "We would like to get back to our innocence and joy, but they are cold and sepulchered." I find myself, as an adult, yearning for this profound sense of love and trust in the Lord. A good part of it has returned, but not all. I am not the innocent child that I once was and yet, still, I find myself awestruck. I like to contemplate the greatness of God:

From all eternity Love spoke. And from this Word came all that is. Every creature has their being through Him and in Him. And He is always with us, even if we don't sense it. In faith we know it. There is no escaping this all-consuming fire of God's Love. It simply HE IS. The Author of Life called all things into existence. There is no being without Him. When we walk away from Him it is our loss. We lose sight of Him. God never loses sight of us. Sin can sometimes lead us back to Him by its nothingness and the misery it causes us in our spirits. I think of it as kind of a "reverse grace".

If you seek the Lord, you will find Him, because everything points to Him. If you search for truth, He will show you. All truth lives in Him.

"Consecrate them in the truth. Your word is truth. As you sent me into the world, so I sent them into the world. And I consecrate myself for them, so that they also may be consecrated in truth."    John 17:17-19

Monday, September 14, 2009

Sorrowful Mother


Across the desert of my years
Lies a path well tread by thee
Amidst yearning and copious tears
I looked up and spied a tree
Upon this Tree of Life was nailed
True man, true God, Divinity
I ran, I hid, but truth prevailed
A molded cross you laid on me
I stumbled, fell, again and again
You slowed your step, patiently
You tenderly reached out your hand
And together we entered... Calvary

Saturday, September 12, 2009

The Body, Blood , Soul, and Divinity

There is a lady at my Church who passes out when she receives the Eucharist :)  Enough said.

Friday, September 11, 2009

Children of the Light

I was thinking back to the time I spent in the presence of Our Lord and this thought lingers in my mind:
He knew me. He knew me better than I know myself. The Lord's knowledge is complete, unlike our own. His knowledge is one that frees us to be our true selves. Others see us through blinded eyes and we often carry this burden on our shoulders. Their perception of us is incorrect and leads us to a false view of ourselves.

The Lord is omnipotent, omniscient, and omnipresent. You cannot take a breath without His knowledge. All is eternally present to Him. Live as children of the light. He is aware of all your sins and faults. Every thought you have...He is aware of. Nothing is hidden from He Who Is. Therefore, there is absolutely no point in hiding anything from Him. Rather, place everything before Him - hand it all over. His Divine Hand will mold and recreate you in His image. Bring everything into the light and He will fill you with His Light. Abandon yourself to the Lord and He will set you free. True freedom. You will know yourself in Him.

"For you were once darkness, but now you are light in the Lord. Live as children of the light, for light produces every kind of goodness and righteousness and truth."   Eph. 5:8-9

"Awake, O sleeper,
and arise from the dead,
and Christ will give you light."   Eph 5:14

Wednesday, September 9, 2009

Pray for America

Please pray for our country. I feel a strong warning concerning the U.S. I hesitate to write about it because I always try to place my trust in God's mercy. I am bombarded with 911's. I wrote in an earlier post about 333 , 111 and 11:11. I did not mention the 911's because of what happened to our country on this date. If this was only happening to me...maybe I could ignore it. This 911 warning is happening to thousands. Over the past couple years this emergency warning has continued to grow in me. I don't know whether this pertains to a general spiritual warning or if it means something else. Some that I have spoken to believe it is both a spiritual and physical warning of something that could happen in our country. I don't know. However, I do know God has given me many  "words" concerning the condition of our country and world. The truth of this is clear to many. All we have to do is look around us. I have also had many unusual dreams that I have chosen not to write about yet. If this is happening to others, I would like to hear from you. Either way, our country needs prayer.

7 deadly sins - greed

Tuesday, September 8, 2009

American Babylon

" By the rivers of Babylon
we sat mourning and weeping
when we remembered Zion.
On the poplars of that land
We hung up our harps.
There our captors asked us
for the words of a song;
Our tormentors, for a joyful song:
"Sing for us a song of Zion!"
But how can we sing a song of  the
in a foreign land?"    Psalm 137

America, I can barely recognize you. Awake! Awake!

"Tell them: Thus says the Lord:
When someone falls, does he not rise again?
If he goes astray, does he not turn back?
Why do these people rebel
with their obstinate resistance?
Why do they cling to deceptive idols,
refuse to turn back?
I listen closely:
they speak what is not true;
No one repents of his wickedness,
saying ' What have I done!'
Everyone keeps running his course,
like a steed rushing in to battle.        Jer.8:4-6

Utterly Thine, O Lord

Sunday, September 6, 2009

the rose

Michaela wanted to do a post, too. She typed it out herself. Here it is:

my name is michaela. my mom named me aftr sant michael the ark anjl . my mitle name is rose becaus mothr mary is a butiful rose. my favrit bibl story is danyel and the lions. I no the rosere. my favrit mistres ar the sorrafl mistres becaus thay ar sad. thay put a crown of thorns on his hed. jesus got naled to the cros. I thinc it hert rele bad. mary cried. the agonne is sad to. the end

Friday, September 4, 2009

The Corner of My Eye

From the corner of my eye
Nailed to a tree
I caught a glimpse
Of your plans for me
O Author of Life
Creator Divine
The Great I Am
O Love Sublime
You stooped down low
And infused in me
By the merest touch...

Thursday, September 3, 2009

The Hinge of Salvation

The Sign Of the Cross

O most Beautiful Gate
O heart Divine
Upon Thy Portal
Is nailed a sign
All who would enter
Whom the Father shall see
All who would enter
Must enter through Me

The Way

The other day, while praying the Chaplet of Divine Mercy, I was meditating on the crucifixion. In my heart, His cross was surrounded by millions of crosses, upon which we were all being crucified. In Him. It is not enough to simply carry our crosses. Our fallen human will must be crucified upon it. This is tough for us. Our human nature weeps it's agony every step of The Way. But we, too, must enter Golgatha. Then, in truth we can say: "It is no longer I who lives, but Christ who lives in me."

Wednesday, September 2, 2009

My Rock

Yesterday was Michaela's first day of school. She started 1st grade and we were both anxious. Last year she was in kindergarten which was only two and a half hours. Now it's all day. Much to my surprise, she insisted on taking the bus. Randy and I walked her to the bus stop and waved as she left. My gut felt wrenched. Randy followed the bus to school and brought her to her teacher. This probably wasn't necessary but it sure made me feel better. You can laugh. I don't mind. I realize that I am overly protective. I had to work and couldn't get the day off.

Letting go can be hard. Change does not come easily for me. It seems as if just the other day I cradled my baby in my arms and here she is now, eager for independence. I know that I have to foster this trait in her, as it is part of growing up, but a part of me wants to keep her tucked under my wings constantly. Michaela is the Lord's first and I need to remember that He has plans for her. I prayed for both of us and released my anxiety into His Hands. The Lord took care of His 2 M&M's (Mary and Michaela) and the day was sweeter because of Him.

Though life is full of change and letting go, there is one thing that never changes....

Utterly Thine, O Lord!

Tuesday, September 1, 2009

Through the eyes of a child -pt.2

Here are my niece's thoughts on the fall:

God made everything. At first earth was just animals galore. Then the Lord made Adam. He made Adam out of dirt. Adam was lonely so the Lord decided to make Eve cause he needed a friend. He made Eve out of Adams appendix. [It was his appendix, Aunty Mary?..... You tell me, honey, this is your story.] Or some other bodypart of his. I can't remember. They made friends with the animals. One day a snake who could talk, I think it was the devil, said, " Eat an apple off the tree." God had told them not to eat the apples off that tree. But the snake kept saying,"It can't hurt you." Eve took it off the tree and ate it. She gave Adam a bite too, but it was his fault because he was supposed to watch her. God sent them away cause they had sinned. And that's why people sin now. If it wasn't for them nobody would sin. They had 2 kids named Cain and Abel. Cain killed Abel. I think killing is the worst sin.

The devil is evil. When you die and if you aren't sorry for your sins it's like standing on a black hole and you fall down it and go to the h. word. I am not allowed to say this word. I think that bad guy that killed millions of people might have gone there.