The Unmasking of Self-love

 

Young Nun at Prayer by Sergio Gribkov

What is self-love but a strong or subtle preference for self over God and others, right? When we consider it, all sin has self-love as its root. One of the reasons for the passive nights of sense and spirit is the putting to death (or the purification) of the self-love that pervades many of our thoughts and acts. Without these passive purifications, there is no union with God. We think we do things for God alone but when God unmasks our true motivations, we find that self-love is secretly at work in us. Even the road to "perfection" is tainted with this love of self. It's difficult when God brings this to light and we may find that we become filled with disgust for ourselves, but this disgust is also a hidden mark of self-love. However, better a hearty distrust and disgust at the crafty workings of self-love than not recognizing that it is at work in us at all. 

St. John of the Cross unmasks this secret preference for one's self in The Dark Night of the Soul. In both the night of sense and the night of the spirit, God slowly reveals to us these sly manifestations of self-love. And I use the word "sly" because they often fool us in their subtlety. We may think we are doing things for the love of God alone, only to be shocked when God reveals that often vainglory is the driver. We prefer to be seen by others as "good" rather than the sinners that we really are. We have a secret preoccupation with ourselves, whether it's our sufferings, our needs and wants, or even our "spiritual perfection". To prove this secret preference for self, we can ask ourselves a simple question: If God chose to bring us to holiness through the path of ignominy instead of as an "upright, holy example" to others, would it disappoint us? Many of us would probably say yes. And yet, to save us, Jesus suffered the painful humiliation of the Cross, was despised and spat upon, mocked, and even his clothes were divided among his persecutors. The ways of the world are not God's ways.  

One of the more secret manifestations of self-love comes through our spiritual pride. The letters of Archbishop Francois Fenelon contain piercing insights into the nature of this self-love and the need for its crucifixion: "There is something very hidden and very deceptive in your suffering. For while you seem to yourself to be wholly occupied with the glory of God, in your inmost soul it is self alone that is the cause of all your trouble. You are, indeed, desirous that God would be glorified. However, you want Him to be glorified by means of your perfection. In reality, you cherish the sentiments of self-love. It is simply a refined pretext for dwelling on self." 

It is predominantly during the dark night of the senses, and later, during the dark night of the spirit, that these more "refined pretexts" are exposed and this exposure often causes us great suffering when it really should not surprise us at all, if we take St. John and numerous other saints at their word. They have stated these truths over and over and it is merely wishful thinking on our part to believe that we  are not affected by spiritual pride, vanity, spiritual gluttony, and the like. Think of our love for consolations and our preference for them over aridity, for example. Think of our focus on the flowery and exciting aspects of the mystical life rather than the heart of it, which is the painful death of self-love and growth in true holiness and the love of God. Self-love does not die easily and usually moans and groans every step of the way. It's one of the reasons why we suffer from desolation so much. What is desolation anyway but the dying of self-love in us? The humble deal with periods of desolation much more easily than the proud. Unfortunately, I am one of the proud, and have had a hard time accepting this sword that slices "even between soul and spirit, joints and marrow" as it discerns "reflections and thoughts of the heart". I come up short more often than not. 

If there is any true consolation underlining all our sufferings on this path to holiness it is this: the understanding that God is the source of all goodness and that this "perfection" is His perfection and ours is but a share in the holiness that is innate to His very nature. It is this understanding of God's perfect love that allows us to willingly abandon ourselves into His hands, trusting in His goodness rather than listening to the constant clamoring of self-love that insists that holiness is our doing. When we begin to grasp this, it becomes easier and easier to trust in the wisdom of God rather than the musings of  the self-love that lead us astray and away from the cross. 

 You cannot escape it, wherever you run. For wherever you go you carry yourself with you, and will always find yourself. Turn upwards or turn downwards, turn inwards or turn outwards: everywhere you will find the cross.                      Thomas A Kempis

Veer Right Off of Ego Central, then Go Straight on Aridity Ave

 Alone and not a drop to drink. The dry, barren desert road of self-love.
(You're kidding, right? RIGHT? This is the CURE?!)

If  Pride is considered the "mother of all sins", it's time to introduce you to a sibling of hers: Self-love. Pride and self-love, are the prime movers of the deadly sins, along with fear. But the reason we have fear is because of pride and self-love.

I mean, let's face it, the ego serves itself. Sometimes we THINK we are doing things for the Lord only to find out later that it was simply a secret supply line to the ego.

And the hard thing is that all these "secret supply lines" that feed self-love have to be cut off. This includes our attachments to spiritual consolations and even our secret attachment to "doing good" if we have it (and which we may not be aware of) - many of these things secretly feed our ego, our pride, and so must be stripped from us for our own good. It's a very painful process but one that helps us direct our hearts to our true end.

Which is God.

Think of it as a purification of our intentions. Of our secret motives. Motives that we aren't even aware of. A purification that will eventually give us that perfect purity of heart which allows us to see God.

You just can't bear good fruit with the water of your own self-love. No, in order to bear good fruit our own water lines must be shut down completely so that the heavenly water lines may open.

The shutting down of our secret supply lines, the ones hidden below the surface, takes a long time. The greater the self-love, the more intense the process will be. Thus we suffer from a great and terrible aridity during these times. There is no longer attraction to the things of the world, nor is there much to things of the spirit when pride and self-love are being stripped from the soul. This isn't even something we can do ourselves because the root of it is beyond our ability to access.

It's like being caught betwixt and between. Our hearts feel like a barren wasteland. No joy in earthly things and nothing but fizzle instead of sizzle when it comes to heavenly things.

Yes, think "desert". A long dry season but one that has a purpose - to bring you out of Egypt and into the Promised Land.

(Ooops... I almost wrote "dessert". You know, one of those Lenten Freudian slips. It's a "chocolate" thing in my case.)

At the beginning of the spiritual life we can do a great deal to help shut down the supply lines feeding self-love but eventually you get to a point where your own power is insufficient (and really just gets in the way) and you must rely on God to do the work in your soul.

Though it does seem as if God took a vacation without you and forgot to tell you when he'll be back.

Humility is THE virtue to pray for as we undergo this stripping. The more I learn about humility, the more I realize the importance of praying for it daily.

Without it, we can't make progress spiritually.

Without it, we can't bear fruit.

Without it, we cannot bear our time in the desert and tend to return to the slavery of "Egypt" (read - "slavery to the world").

Perish the thought.

The plus side of the desert is that it's where we become aware of just how strong our attachment is to self and where God weans us from this attachment.

There is a direct correlation between our ability to surrender to God and our humility. Because, in order to surrender to God we need to let go of self.

You can't cling to God if your hands are too busy hugging yourself.


Accordingly, two cities have been formed by two loves: the earthly by the love of self, even to the contempt of God; the heavenly by the love of God, even to the contempt of self. The former, in a word, glories in itself, the latter in the Lord. For the one seeks glory from men; but the greatest glory of the other is God, the witness of conscience. The one lifts up its head in its own glory; the other says to its God, You are my glory, and the lifter up of mine head. In the one, the princes and the nations it subdues are ruled by the love of ruling; in the other, the princes and the subjects serve one another in love, the latter obeying, while the former take thought for all. The one delights in its own strength, represented in the persons of its rulers; the other says to its God, I will love You, O Lord, my strength.       St. Augustine, The City of God        (The bold is mine)

Penny for your thoughts? Or not.

William Holbrook Beard: For What was I Created?

For after the four books which have been composed on the customs of the monasteries, we now propose, being strengthened by God through your prayers, to approach the struggle against the eight principal faults, i.e. first, Gluttony or the pleasures of the palate; secondly, Fornication; thirdly, Covetousness, which means Avarice, or, as it may more properly be called, the love of money, fourthly, Anger; fifthly, Dejection; sixthly, Accidie, which is heaviness or weariness of heart; seventhly, Vain glory; eighthly, Pride.


                              St. John Cassian, Institutes (Book V)




St. John Cassian was a student of Evagrius Ponticus. Evagrius was a monk in the 4th century who was the first to write about the "eight bad thoughts" and who coined the term "Noonday Demon", which refers to the acedia (now called sloth) which plagued The Desert Fathers toward the middle of the day. These eight tempting thoughts are the precursors to the seven deadly sins. Pope Gregory the Great revised the list of eight bad thoughts by combining acedia with sorrow, calling the combination the sin of sloth, and vainglory with pride. He also added envy to the list. St. Thomas Aquinas questions vainglory and pride being lumped together since St. Gregory called pride the "mother" of the deadly sins and says St. Gregory did not lump these two together. Either way, this is where we received our current list of the seven deadly sins.

In this post, I want to briefly address the deadly sins as those "bad thoughts" because it gets to the bottom of what the deadly sins are and how they operate.

The deadly sins start as temptations and temptations always begin with thoughts.

In the case of vainglory, the temptation to sin comes through our vanity. We want people to like us and sometimes we will do terrible things to avoid their displeasure. "Pilate, wanting to please the crowd, released to them Barabbas."  We get an example here of how dangerous vainglory can be.

When we are subject to vainglorious thoughts (which we are NOT subject to), and if we give into them regularly, we become bound to those we are attempting to please. Yes, we become bound to others instead of God. Can you imagine being bound to what others think of us? Yet, this is what can happen. All the deadly sins create a type of bondage to something or someone who is not God. This creates huge problems for us. Using the example of vainglory, when we constantly do things to please people instead of God our souls become filled with a deep confusion since it opposes our relationship with the Lord as his children. It opposes the first commandment: You shall have no other gods before me. We create idols for ourselves that are not God. We serve that which we give ourselves over to.

How can you follow the Shepherd when you are trailing the pack of wolves? The heart is divided within itself.

And all of this begins with a thought.

What a mess. No wonder the deadly sins are so deadly.

It's scary when we first see how much of a part the deadly sins play in our lives. When I first recognized it, it paralyzed me. I couldn't believe I had let this happen. And I had no idea which deadly sin to tackle first.

The seven deadly sins poison your thought life. When you give in to the "bad thoughts" and sin, more come crowding their way in. Over time, our minds can become a cesspool of vice. Confusion reigns because a person is pulled in so many directions and it becomes hard to sort through the morass. Imagine a series of ropes tied to you and pulling you every which way. Your mind has difficulty focusing on the "one thing necessary" to obtain eternal life because it is not yet detached from its idols and these "gods" are constantly clamoring for the soul's attention.

So, it can become overwhelming. Until we remember that the reason Jesus came is to save us from our sins. None of this is new to Him. Recognizing the seven deadly sins is the first step to overcoming them. And God helps us do so. One of the best ways to begin to battle the deadly sins is to pray for the virtue of humility. Humility allows us to see the truth about ourselves and our great need for a redeemer. Humility protects the soul and is the foundation of the virtues, which further protect the soul. It is impossible to know God without a certain degree of humility and humility opens the door of the soul to receive God's help and mercy. The more humility a person has, the more light comes in.

Every person on this earth struggles with the seven deadly sins.

Think of humility as the beginning of the deadly sins' end.


"They will fight against you, but they will not overcome you, for I am with you to deliver you," declares the LORD.                         Jeremiah 1:19

A Mad Queen and Her Unhinged Army

Johann Heinrich Fussli: attribution

The undisputed queen of The Seven Deadly Sins is pride. We often see the words pride and vainglory used interchangeably when the deadly sins are listed but according to St. Thomas Aquinas and St. Gregory the Great, pride is the "mother" of all sins and not in its own right one of the seven deadly sins. St. Thomas substitutes vainglory for pride when enumerating the seven deadly sins. Pride spawns the seven deadly sins since she is the mother of these. All sin ultimately has its beginning in pride.

Whenever we consider sin and its roots, it helps to keep in mind that the purpose of the seven deadly sins is to oppose virtue. By opposing virtue, the "mad queen" and her "unhinged army" lead people into an ever increasing downward spiral of  malice and licentiousness.

Why do I call pride the "mad queen" and the deadly sins her "unhinged army"? Because these sins, when firmly in place, attack sound reason. They attack the virtue of wisdom leaving the person unable to discern the true reality of things.  Have you ever wondered why so many people can't see the spiritual battle taking place in the world today? It's because their intellect has been darkened by the deadly sins and they no longer have the light to see what so clearly surrounds them. They live (to one degree or another) in an illusory world of their own making pursuant to the degree in which the deadly sins have displaced the virtues. You might call it a "spiritual madness" since the things of the spirit have been subjugated to the flesh to such a degree that the person no longer recognizes the true order of things. Without this recognition, chaos results since the divine order is displaced by disorder and charity displaced by malice.

This idea of "spiritual madness" is important to keep in mind as we look at the chaos that surrounds us in the world today. St. Thomas calls this dullness of sense "folly" and  it comes about through man's "plunging his sense into earthly things, whereby his sense is rendered incapable of perceiving Divine things". According to St. Thomas the quickest descent into this spiritual blindness is through the deadly sin of lust, which is probably why satan loves to tempt people in this area. Lust immerses itself in the flesh to the neglect of the spirit.

Pride sees itself as the center around which all things revolve. Wherever there is sin, pride's hand is there. It is a distortion of one's position in the world - a spiritual aberration that results in a skewed perspective of God, self, and others. Whereas charity looks at others though the lens of mercy, pride opposes mercy and deeply aligns itself with presumption, which is a mockery of mercy in that there is no justice in it. In other words, presumption is a mercy without justice, a love of the sin instead of the sinner. Presumption destroys justice and defaces mercy.

We see in our day a strange reluctance to call sin what it is. As a matter of fact, those who call sin what it is are despised, looked down upon and accused of lacking love for others. And, (this shows that something diabolical is at work) people who were once considered moral, upright, and holy are now considered evil. The entire moral compass of society has flipped, the axis of good has been tipped over completely to the point where a man who would have been upheld as a saint and a hero seventy years ago is now often thought of as a villain.

This "upending" of the divine order of things to the point where good is considered evil and evil considered good effects a type of anti-kingdom. And one with its very own upside-down gospel and commandments. For instance, a person who has given himself up to the Seven Deadly Sins, though he cannot see this anymore, will still follow a set of commandments though ones which oppose the true commandments. And they will believe that these are good because of the eclipse of sound reason. Thus, a person in obeisance to this unholy kingdom will usually show various traits or "signs" that manifest this bondage. The seven deadly sins are the doors which open a person, family, or country to this type of bondage. The outward signs we see in society today are simply the visible marks of an inward homage to the one who is behind the anti-gospel of our day.

It's very difficult not to lose hope when we see society disintegrating before our eyes but we must keep in mind that God is always in control, even when it seems that every which way we turn we are confronted with displays of evil that shock us to the core. There is always hope and our prayers are never in vain.

Humility is the virtue that opposes pride. If you want to quickly grow in virtue pray for humility because it puts to death pride and removes the obstacles that prevent us from acquiring the virtues. It opens up a path for them. Our Lady is the perfect model for the structure of virtues built upon the base of humility. Without some degree of humility it is almost impossible to conquer the seven deadly sins and acquire the virtues. Humility opens the heart, enabling God to pour down His graces upon us.

Now the virtues are in truth infused by God. Wherefore the first step in the acquisition of virtue may be understood in two ways. First by way of removing obstacles: and thus humility holds the first place, inasmuch as it expels pride, which "God resisteth," and makes man submissive and ever open to receive the influx of Divine grace. Hence it is written (James 4:6): "God resisteth the proud, and giveth grace to the humble." On this sense humility is said to be the foundation of the spiritual edifice. Secondly, a thing is first among virtues directly, because it is the first step towards God.    
                                                                                                                  St Thomas Aquinas

Technically, charity is first among virtues and St Thomas does state this, but charity and humility are intimately entwined and you really can't have one without the other. In this way, humility is the first step in that it lays a solid foundation for spiritual growth. The greater our humility, the greater our growth in charity and all the other virtues as well.

Your Biggest Cross

Sisyphus: courtesy of Wikimedia Commons

Rumor has it that a newspaper once sent out an inquiry to famous authors, asking the question, What’s wrong with the world today? And Chesterton responded simply:

“Dear Sir,

I am.

Yours, G.K. Chesterton.”



This story about G.K. Chesterton is not substantiated but I sure wish it were true. Why do I wish this?

Because sooner or later every person stumbles upon one of the great truths of life. And "stumbles upon" is the right phrase because this truth sure feels like a huge stumbling block. God knows this truth, the saints knew it, the souls in Purgatory definitely know it. We may know it as well, but our pride resists it. This truth is:

We are our own heaviest crosses.

There, I said it.

And it's true for all of us.

When I first came upon this realization I thought it was only me. That I, myself, was my own heaviest cross and that this didn't apply straight across the board.

But it does. It applies to all of us. When you read the lives of the saints you see that every single one of them came to this conclusion about themselves. It's a common thread that runs through their writings and one we should take note of.

Those who say, "But my husband (insert person or circumstance of choice here) is my heaviest cross!"

Nope. Not true. You are your heaviest cross. This is a truth about ourselves that we tend to resist in an extraordinary way because pride has taken root in our hearts and we don't want to believe that one of our biggest problems just might be ourselves.

When we believe that others are our "heavy crosses" it may be one of the strongest signs that a virtue we should be praying for in abundance is the virtue of humility and maybe some charity to go with it.

It took me ten years to learn this. (And another five to accept it.)

It is part and parcel of our fallen human nature.

It's a great lesson though because as soon as we REALLY learn this,as soon as we stop resisting God's
efforts to point this oh so hard-to swallow, it's stuck in my throat fact out, we can begin to make quick progress in the spiritual life because our focus is taken off the sins and faults of our neighbor and responsibility is planted squarely on the shoulders to whom it belongs. We stop blaming others for our heavy loads and start seeing that WE are the heavy loads. This is not to say that there are not external circumstances in our lives that do not make our cross heavier. There are. But the reason the *external circumstances* are so "heavy" is because of our *internal circumstances*.

In other words, if you want to lighten your load you have to work on yourself first.

As G.K. Chesterton so bluntly puts it: Not only are we all in the same boat, but we are all seasick.

Funny how some of the most obvious things in life are the most difficult to see. Not only are we seasick, we are "see sick" as well and our biggest blind spot is ourselves.

~ You cannot escape it, wherever you run. For wherever you go you carry yourself with you, and will always find yourself. Turn upwards or turn downwards, turn inwards or turn outwards: everywhere you will find the cross.                      Thomas A Kempis

~ The greatest cross of all is self.       Archbishop Francois Fenelon

Dethroning the god of self

I have been terribly hard on myself over the course of my life. Often, unmercifully so. For most of my life I had the bad habit of  "critiquing" each step I made, judging and over analyzing everything. It was like living with my own interior judge and jury. Not pleasant, let me tell you, since this judge and jury never took a break. Afraid of the devil? Who me? Worry about the "Accuser"? As if I had the time for him when I was so busy accusing myself! I didn't have much trouble being compassionate with others. I had difficulty being compassionate with myself.

After having myself as judge and jury for most of my life it sure was a relief when God started taking over the job. The funny thing is that I relinquished the reigns slowly. Did I think I was doing a better job than the King of Mercy would? Talk about pride! I'm not exactly sure what I was thinking. I think it had (and has) more to do with:

Pride and dethroning the god of self. Sooner or later everyone must get rid of the false gods they have set up for themselves. And the most difficult one to boot off the throne is the god of self. It's been a problem since the Garden of Eden and is certainly a huge problem today. Those who think they have escaped this aspect of the Fall are deceiving themselves. One of the biggest obstacles to becoming a saint is thinking you are one. The saints didn't think they were saints; they understood the depths of their fallen nature and their total dependency on God's mercy.

GOD'S mercy. Not their own. We are not as merciful as God. Not with ourselves, nor with others. Yes, many people have compassionate hearts but it cannot be compared to God's. Not even close. We can judge actions but not people. And this includes ourselves.Even when we prepare for Confession we are to ask for the light of the Holy Spirit and see our sins in HIS light, not our own. After all, we are going to Confession to confess our sins, not to confess our human nature. God is fully aware of our brokenness and seeks to HEAL us not to condemn us.

Those who "pick" on themselves are playing God. It's like saying to God, "I know what's wrong with me more than you do." Which isn't true, of course. He knows us through and through. The difference between when we try to accuse ourselves and when the Holy Spirit convicts us of sin is like night and day. Some of the signs to watch out for are these:

Scrupulosity - Been there, done that. Definitely not of God.
Confusion over sins - The Holy Spirit brings clarity. (Been here, too)
Despair or hopelessness - Satan's doing the accusing here. (Yep, here too)
Depression - This is an odd one. Obviously there are cases of physical depression, too, so this is a bit harder to discern. For those who don't normally battle depression this can be a good sign that we are trying to "outrun" the Holy Spirit rather than waiting for His light. (ditto)
Frustration - "This is ridiculous! It's impossible not to sin!"  Well, of course. And God well knows this. Even the saints fell. (Need I comment?)

The Holy Spirit brings true sorrow...then peace.

Going nowhere in a hurry

We are a "fast" nation. Many of us live in a perpetual rush without even noticing it. Slowness is equated with sloth and speed with a good work ethic and an active, healthy lifestyle. But let's look at it from a different perspective:

St. Peter to Jesus,  "Lord, why are they all scurrying around like chickens with their heads cut off down there?"

Jesus simply shakes his head.

"What, Lord? Is there something important going on down there that I don't know about?"

"No, Peter. They are all going nowhere in a hurry."

"What?!! You mean they're doing this on purpose for no reason?"

Jesus looks greatly saddened.

"Peter, they aren't even AWARE that they are rushing for nothing. It gives them a false sense of accomplishment to hurry along through life. It has become a race to see who can get the most done in the shortest time. Look at that woman over there. The one tugging on her child's hand, rushing along the road and telling the child to hurry up. She has nowhere that she needs to be right now, she's on vacation."

Jesus directs Peter's attention to a man trying to beat another man into a parking space and then to a woman scurrying to beat an elderly woman to the checkout line at the grocery store.

" My people rush around so much that they miss what's right in front of them. Life itself."
                   
                                                                      ...............

The woman tugging at the child's hand was me. You would think I would be far more patient after all these years but I still have my unlovely moments. Rushing can be a form of pride. It's saying, "My life is more important than yours therefore I have the right to have the closest parking space, to be the first in line or to speed a child along because she is stopping too much on the way home from the beach." Sometimes God uses my own child to correct me. After tugging at her hand, telling her to "speed things up, please" and frowning at her she asked me "Why, Mommy? Where are we going?" I looked at her and realized that it was a very good question.
I was going nowhere... very fast :)