The First Cut is the Deepest

In my last post I spoke about spiritual pride and how easily I got caught in this trap during my early walk with the Lord. I wasn't kidding about being devastated when He revealed to me that I was about as far from a saint as one could be. When the Lord first starts performing surgery in this area, the first cut is the deepest. By deepest, I mean most painful. Why? Because it's performed without anesthesia. Or with very little anesthesia.

Humility is God's anesthesia and when one has very little of this virtue, the divine surgery hurts tremendously. I was depressed and it bordered on despair. Here I was thinking I was giving my all to the Lord and He was dissatisfied (or maybe He wasn't but it sure felt this way).

I mean, what a waste! Here I was determined to pray an Our Father or a Hail Mary for every single person on this earth (and well on my way to doing so) when the Lord stopped me dead in my tracks! My Pieta book with the series of prayers to be said daily for months on end, plucked from my hands! My Rosaries, my novenas? Poof! Gone in a flash!

"I prayed that whole darn book over and over for nothing, Lord?"  (Well, I never actually made it through the whole year of St. Bridget's prayers though I sure as heck tried more than once.)

"And what about the six billion Hail Mary's I was well on my way to doing?! Dust?"

This was the first time I was booted off my throne and I wasn't liking it one bit.

"I suppose the Perpetual (man, that thing took forever)  Novena for the poor souls is off too?"

Prayer had become a "fig leaf", not a conversation with God.

In truth, the Lord was doing me a great kindness by teaching me you can't buy your way into heaven. Not only that, He was showing me "my" Rosaries, "my" Novenas, "my" way bore little resemblance to His way. His way was grace and I had a lot to learn in this area. I had to learn to pray with the heart and that the power in prayer stems from the Person, God,  behind the prayer,  not from the prayer itself. Added to that, I never shut up. Silence is an integral part of prayer; it's rude to do all the talking.  Listening matters.

Prayer is good. Novenas are wonderful. But following the leading of the Holy Spirit is the best. I DO still pray the Rosary and Novenas...but not for the same reasons.

"So Lord, how about the three day warning before my death? Is that one still a go?"  Lol. (Those who have read the older Pieta books will know what I mean ;)

Excessive Religiosity

Tissot: The Pharisee and the Publican

As human beings we have a tendency to cling to things with a tenacious grip. Whether it be people, objects, our viewpoints, or even our sins, we cling, cling, cling. Even to "religious stuff". We insist that people look at life through our eyes, blinded though these eyes may be. Though we read in the Bible that ALL have sinned, we may secretly harbor the thought that we don't sin all that much and surely God can see that. Like little robots we make sure we do everything precisely and correctly. Mass every day? Piece of cake! Four Rosaries? Done! A couple of Mercy Chaplets to top it off? No problem! Church committees, Eucharistic minister, Lector....anything for the Lord! Right?

No, not always. As a matter of fact? Unlikely. The things I mention above are very good things provided we understand that they are means and not ends in themselves. We are very good at fooling ourselves and thinking we are holier than we really are, especially if the outward "signs" look good.

Many of you who have walked through the desert (spiritually) for long periods of time know that God strips us of our own ideas of holiness. Often our thoughts on sanctity bear little resemblance to the Lord's. Excessive religiosity is often a symptom of  spiritual pride and is not an area that the Lord overlooks. It's often one of the first areas He works on after some of  the more "obvious" sins  are gone. This is an area in which we are purified and it can be difficult because we were often taught that the way we are doing things IS holy.  And it can be for some, if we are very, very, humble....which most of us are not.

It can be a tough road because we honestly believe we are doing something good; on the outside we make sure to act humbly before all, but inside we secretly think we just might be saints already. Despite clear warnings from the saints, not too long after my conversion I had a big problem in this area. Yes, St. Teresa warned me and warned me in her books but I thought, "Surely this doesn't apply to me." After all, I was being filled with spiritual consolations so I had to be doing something right, yes? Flooded with gifts, loaded with consolations. "Wow!" I thought.

Now I know why they call this period "the honeymoon".  I should have known there was much more to all this.

The truth is that I reeked to high heaven. (No doubt to the depths of hell, too.) Here I was hoping for the odor of sanctity and all I smelled like was a garbage pail.

 Sulphur even.

"Oh, c'mon Mary, surely you weren't dumb enough to fall for this?"

Heck, yes I was! Dumber even because I wallowed in it for a while! Needless to say, the "honeymoon" was quite short because the Lord wasn't going to allow this to go on for long.

I can still picture Satan laughing with glee, no doubt saying, "Let's get her to think she's a saint already, then our work will be so easy. (Satan is lazy and likes to take the shortest and quickest paths to destroying souls if he can.)

The Lord quickly began to disabuse me of my false notion of my own sanctity. And because I was so prideful I was devastated. Cut to the core!

 Embarrassed too.

But still... I mean:

Good grief!

I was only allowed to be a saint for six months?

(Grin)

Okay, I'm kidding.

The truth is: we really have to beware of this type of  "pseudo-transformation", the transformation of the outer person without the deep inner transformation that all of us so desperately need.  Understanding this is crucial to our spiritual progression. I think this is an area where many people get "stuck" and this is why the saints warn us so often about not getting caught in this particular trap.


When beginners become aware of their own fervor and diligence in their spiritual works and devotional exercises, this prosperity of theirs gives rise to secret pride - though holy things tend of their own nature to humility - because of their imperfections; and the issue is that they conceive a certain satisfaction in the contemplation of their works and of themselves. From the same source, too, proceeds that empty eagerness which they display in speaking of the spiritual life before others, and sometimes as teachers rather than learners. They condemn others in their heart when they see that they are not devout in their way. Sometimes also they say it in words, showing themselves herein to be like the Pharisee, who in the act of prayer boasted of his own works and despised the publican.                             St. John of the Cross

(For a good laugh you can read just how bad my problem with spiritual pride was: The First Cut is the Deepest.)

Mary the Pharisee

For a period of time after my return to the Church I thought that holiness meant doing tons of what I considered "holy stuff" for the Lord. Being a perfectionist , I really laid it on thick. Daily Mass, Bible reading, spiritual reading, visits to shrines, prayer...you name it, I did it. You can probably guess where all this eventually led.

Spiritual burnout to the nth degree.

Still, my little foray into pharisaism taught me many lessons and it was probably a good thing that I learned this early on. The spiritual burnout taught me not to depend on outward information and conformity but to seek transformation of the innermost self. I could have spent many, many years walking around thinking that I was fine had the Lord not stopped me in my tracks and showed me that conformity was not enough and that he was seeking to transform my heart.

There are great dangers in settling for a mere pseudo-transformation rather than an authentic one. A pseudo-transformation leaves one thinking that because they look outwardly holy and are performing holy actions that they are indeed holy and pleasing God when, sometimes, nothing could be further from the truth. By far, the greatest obstacle to transformation is thinking that you are holy and the best piece of advice I could ever give to anyone who has recently turned to the Lord is this:

Never, ever, believe that you have reached the "pinnacle" of holiness because all progress stops at this point. The Lord is so merciful that He reveals our sinfulness in "layers" so as not to overwhelm us. We must pray for humility so that we can remain open to what the Holy Spirit wants to reveal to us. If we are proud and resist his conviction it can "stall" our spiritual progress for some time.

Our natures are far more fallen than we realize and it is the sheer mercy of God and his infinite love for us that reveals these "hidden things" slowly rather than all at once. If we open our hearts to his work we can be sure that He will transform us into the image of his Son and welcome us with open arms when we leave this earth. God finishes what He begins in those with goodwill.

I still do the things I mentioned above (Mass, Bible reading, prayer, etc...) but I use prudence and try not to overdo it. My reasons for doing them has changed and this has made all the difference.