Sunday, December 12, 2010

Hark, all ye fashion designers!

I have to admit something. Woe is me. I have "muffin top". And my poor husband has "Dunlap disease". For all you folks who may be unfamiliar with these terms:

"Muffin top" is the roll of fat that sticks out above the tight, low-cut garments that pass for jeans these days. Its partner is "plumbers crack", which used to only be a working man's problem but now affects the entire population. Unfortunately, one must bend over even in modern society, though perhaps fashion designers have forgotten this small detail. I guess exercise would help get rid of the "muffin top" epidemic, but there seems to be no cure for the "crack" virus which has plagued the world for a few years now. "Dunlap disease"  (when your belly dunlapped over your belt) has been around for years and is the male equivalent of "muffin top" .  Dunlap disease is now reaching the level of a worldwide pandemic as jeans get slimmer, tighter and lower.

What to do?

Well, I just so happen to have a solution. At least, it's a solution for those of us who would like to breathe again. The duds these days are truly duds. And since we were kicked out of the garden and no longer have the option of running around naked, my solution is this:

Let's take a page from biblical days and gird ourselves in robes and tunics! And before you say, "That's just plain nuts, Mary!", please let me remind you just how low and uncomfortable jeans are getting. A few inches more and...who knows? Privately, I think some parts are better kept hidden. It's not like I'm suggesting fig leaves, you know. Flowing robes and long tunics just make good sense if you think about it.

So...think about it:

We could bend over with ease. You could go without shaving your legs for months and no one would know. Fat? Skinny? No problem! One size fits all!  The only muffins would be the ones in your kitchen. You could wear sneakers (or no shoes at all). High heels - gone forever.There would be no "I have nothing to wear to the big bash tonight!" And men would never hear "Honey? Do these jeans make my rump look big?" (What rump, Honey?) Shopping would be a cinch! ROBES-R-US! Here we come!

Not good enough reasons? How about this one:


I knew I could convince ya.


  1. Oh, are too funny!! Although, there are times I would love to wear robes and tunics! Have you tried Kohl's Croft & Barrow jeans. I stumbled upon a pair by accident on a clearance rack about 15-18 months ago...they actually sit at my waist! I think they come in different lengths. They are reasonably priced too! Let me know if they fit you better. :-)

  2. Mary,
    Thanks for the tip. I actually shop at Kohls quite often but have never tried the Croft & Barrow Jeans. I will check them out! Jeans that sit at the waist have been getting mighty scarce of late. I am long-waisted and the low-cut jeans drive me batty because my tops always shrink in the dryer so when I bend over there's a gap :( And of course the "muffin top" problem!

  3. Mary C.,
    Was it the wedgie aspect that won you over?

    Just kidding!

  4. Great fashion advice-I love the label for the post!

    I used to shop at Kohl's but have been avoiding it ever since I heard that they support planned parenthood. Pretty soon we'll have to wear robes because every body seems to support pp.

  5. I have been lamenting the problem with jeans myself. And if the crack disease doesn't afflict us, the "I don't have the proper underwear to wear these things will!" :)
    Thanks for this humorous take on a not so humorous problem.

  6. Anne,
    And the stores that don't support PP support United Way which supports PP so it's a big circle. Sigh. We may have to resort to sheets at this rate.

  7. Karin,
    Don't even get me started on the underwear issue! Clothing styles are just getting weirder and weirder. I have a terrible time finding decent clothes for my daughter, too. She always says everything is uncomfortable. And she's right!

  8. Hee hee Mary. Thanks for sharing. Blessings.

  9. Hi JBR! I see you made it through the party :)

  10. Oh Mary I enjoyed this post, love your sense of humor. Try Blue Notes, I love them and they fit around the waist properly.....:-)Hugs

  11. Robes and tunics it is!!!!!
    Too funny Mary ;)

  12. Bernie,
    Blue Notes? I've never heard of that brand but I'll look them up online. Thanks for the tip!

  13. DG,
    AHHH! You too, huh? Robes and tunics are better than the dresses and skirts that are out these days, that's for sure! If you've noticed - not one person recommended dresses or skirts because they are even LESS comfortable than the jeans! At least you can wear sneakers with jeans ;)

  14. I'm so in. This Christmas will find me sitting at the table for dinner in a Biblical style robe, that will cut short all the talk of getting new dresses. ;)

    Really witty and fun post!:)

  15. Colleen,
    With a new pile of books beside you, I presume ;) Drinking triple-echinacea tea? Or Liver Detox Supreme? Perhaps Rasberry Leaf with Dandelion extract (snicker!)?