Christ be my light.
I have to admit that I have had difficulty posting for a while. I even know the reason why.
I am confused. Baffled by a series of events that took place last spring around the time of my physical healing. Some before the healing, some after. I guess when God decides to intervene in a person's life in an extraordinary way he doesn't half step it. The healing of my physical body isn't what left me confused, it's the spiritual happenings that went along with it. The most I dared to write about this was a post last month called, "What if things are worse than we think?"
While I was being healed physically I "saw" an amazing interconnection among God's creation. I didn't just "see" it, I experienced it. Not in a New Age pantheistic sense. I was still very much aware of my individuality as a human being but I also became aware of a spiritual reality that exists along side of us. Maybe along side of us isn't the right phrase. With us would express it better. I was alternately amazed and horrified by what I saw. Amazed - because we receive a lot more help and support from the spiritual realm than we realize. Horrified - because I have a glimmer of an understanding why Jesus would say, "Forgive them, Father, for they know not what they do."
God is very merciful. If we could see the ripple effect of our sins we would sin a lot less. I would like to say that we wouldn't sin at all, but this would not be true since we would still have our fallen natures to contend with. We would also realize our utter dependence on God's mercy. Not partial dependence - total dependence. And this loving gift of mercy is given to all. We cannot stop the ripple effect of our sins but God can and does. Thanks to the Cross of Jesus. We owe Him everything.
Love has a bigger effect. The love of God washes over humanity. If sin has a ripple effect, love is like a tidal wave. It is far more powerful because it is from God. Evil is never from Him.
Can something be both the best and the worst thing you've ever experienced in your life? Can one's life be both "tipped upside down" and "set aright" at the same time. Because this is the way I think about it. My life was tipped upside down and yet, at the same time, set aright. Because God is kind, He allowed me to experience his love in a special way before showing me some "not so pleasant things about myself and this world" to put it bluntly. I cried so hard. "Lord, how can you love us so much?" He does, though. Very, very much.
What I experienced has had both positive and negative aspects to it.
On the positive side...I have very few illusions left about myself. This isn't a bad thing. I also received spiritual healing along with the physical. That's a blessing, too. Plus, I have a better understanding of the mercy and support of God.
The negative side was temporary, thankfully. Being human, my first thought was to question my sanity. This didn't make sense, however. After all, why would God heal me physically just to throw something worse on me. Plus, as much as I would have liked to chalk it up to a lapse in sanity, I felt very sane. My second thought was to wonder how much Satan may have muddied up the waters. The second is probably likely, to a degree, which is why I am careful in what I write about. I say "to a degree" because I have no doubt that I received tremendous healing and grace during this period of time and I am very thankful to God for it.
When I spoke to a priest about the difficulties I was having making sense of things that had happened he gave me very good advice. He asked me to focus on my daily duties and tasks and to forget about the rest for a while. So I did. This helped me adjust back to "normal life". I was blessed that he didn't bat an eyelash when I explained about the physical and spiritual healing, some priests have difficulty dealing with stuff like that. He took it all with equanimity and gave me practical, down to earth advice. This is also one of the reasons that I took most of the summer off, though part of it was lack of time.
The good outweighs the negative of course. God doesn't allow something to happen unless it's for our greater good.