Saturday, August 4, 2012


All my life I have had strange dreams. As a child, I used to beg my parents to leave the hall light on at night because I often had awful nightmares. They were always the same - I would be running and the devil would be chasing me. And I knew, even then, that he was totally and completely devoid of any goodness. His eyes were as cold as death and they petrified me. I would wake up full of panic, my heart beating wildly, wondering what would happen if he ever caught me in my dreams.

Well, he never managed to catch me as a child but he did lay out many snares for me and as a teenager I started falling into these traps. I fell away from the Church and my prayer life went down the tube as well. I would do my night prayers but they were done in a perfunctory manner with little to no reflection involved. I don't remember very many nightmares during this period.

It wasn't until my twenties that the nightmares came back full force. Only this time, the devil wasn't chasing me. He didn't need to anymore. During the night I would have dreams that I was standing in deep muck with reptilian creatures surrounding me. I would wake up and say Hail Marys until the fear left me. Later I would realize that these dreams were warnings that I was knee deep in hell spiritually. When I read my poetry from this period of my life I can see the warnings there too. Many of my poems were dark  and bleak.

Hell is a state of being and I knew that state personally.

Soon after my return to the Church I had a vivid dream. In this dream I opened my mouth and a worm started coming out. A strong hand grabbed the worm and pulled, pulled until it was all the way out. It was the longest, ugliest worm I had ever seen. The next day when I woke up my heart felt lighter. Gross but true.

Many years ago when I first started praying the Rosary regularly, I had a funny dream. In this dream I had a 7 story house . I was walking around this house when I came upon a lady with a broom and dustpan bustling around my house cleaning it. And good grief, was it a mess! But she started on the top floor and was working her way down. The house had no stairways, it had an elevator and she was using it to get from floor to floor. I followed her and then she turned around and looked at me.

It was Our Lady.

Before she turned toward me, she was pulling down cobwebs out of dark corners with her broom and was entirely engrossed (fitting word I think) in the work she was doing. I remember watching her steady and thorough cleaning and wondering why this woman was so determined to clean my house. After I saw who it was I remember waking up and feeling very blessed that she was taking on such a task.

I never saw her cleaning the cellar in this dream. She hadn't yet reached that point in her housecleaning and I'm a bit thankful that I didn't have to follow her down there.

She's cleaning my "cellar" now. Oh, I could tell you that my "cellar"is neat as a pin but I would be lying through my teeth. My "cellar" is a junk pile and Our Lady is shoveling it out. A broom just doesn't work on this mess. My emotions are flying all over the place as the junk pours out. I feel like a little kid in the middle of a trash dump puzzled (and a bit mortified) by my mother's insistence that all my "stuff" must go.

Oh, to think I've been clinging to trash all these years.

Who knew.


  1. The thing is Mary, many people don't realise that over the years they manage to accumulate and collect many sins that go unconfessed and long forgotten.

    The devil is so clever at convincing us that they're not that important; and in doing so he slowly tempts us further away from God.

    God bless.

  2. Hi Victor,
    Oh, Miss Scrupulosity confessed all the sins - probably confessed them a number of times ;) The "junk" that's coming up are emotions I stuffed in the cellar for so many years. They bubble up during prayer, especially during the Rosary. God cleans up our thought life very thoroughly too. We get attached to certain ways of thinking and He weeds through this stuff, tossing away the stuff that doesn't glorify Him. Some of these patterns of thinking are very subtle - they go unnoticed by us until God decides to get rid of them. Then you get an "Aha" moment and think "Why didn't I notice this before?"

    I thought He was done in this area but should have known

    God bless you too!

  3. I understand and relate to 'Miss Scrupulosity' - lol, and I also am inspired to pick up the Rosary on a more regular basis again. I need Our Lady to walk with me, so I need to walk with her too. I left it down for a time while my prayer quietened so much it became voiceless, but there are still many effects of sin in my emotions and psyche so I hope, like you, she will help me with them...I am sure she will!

  4. Your dreams and visions always fascinate me, Mary. And the fact that you can take away such clear messages is Joseph-in-Egypt-like!

    God Bless you!

    P.S. When our Blessed Mother is done with Her cleaning over there, can you please send her to me? Tell her she will need an industrial vacuum...

  5. Mary,
    I have to second Michael's comment. Your dreams seem to be very vivid and God is definitely saying something to you in them. I was actually thinking of Teresa of Avila as you described the house with seven floors.
    I think too why we often find ourselves reconfessing sins is that the hardest person to forgive is usually ourselves, especially with the big, bad mortal sins.
    Holding on to trash~now there's an image to get one into the confessional :)

  6. Great post, Mary. I hadn't thought to ask Our Lady to clean my house, but since you wrote about it, I will. Your post makes me think about why we hang on to sin when it really doesn't make us happy at all.