I knew it! No half- measures. God won't be satisfied with anything less than total abandonment to His Divine Will. Anything less leaves us incomplete and He wants us whole. Wholly His, that is. His idea of wholeness differs from mine, unfortunately ;) He wants a holiness that I cannot even comprehend yet. Jesus is stalking me like a panther...I kid you not. And it's scaring the daylights out of me. I'm being totally honest here. I'm pinning fear and anger to the cross left and right as He works through muck from my childhood. I got used to living in a certain way back then and He doesn't like it! Says it's not me... just a foolish picture I carry of myself that has no place in truth. A caricature. I always knew my protective devices would come back and bite me in the rump. I've been through this so many times that you would think I could just submit myself gracefully at this point. But noooo... I run almost every time. A good word of advice - don't ever think He's finished with you because He's not. I learned this after our first few go-rounds.
God's quicker than me though. Much quicker. He succeeds in hedging me in every time and there's no way out except - through Him. This has become my only egress. Sometimes it makes me laugh...there's no way you can outwit God. Doesn't stop me from trying though. I'll run in circles until I'm tuckered out, then I'll have a massive tantrum (makes me feel better though it probably doesn't do much for God). At this point I'm so exhausted I give up...and He heals me of whatever I've been running from. Does this sound familiar? Maybe to the hard-headed ones like me ?
No wonder He is called "The Hound of Heaven".
"Whom wilt thou find to love ignoble thee,
Save Me, save only Me?
All which I took from thee I did but take,
Not for thy harms,
But just that thou might'st seek it in my arms
All which thy child's mistake
Fancies as lost, I have stored for thee at home:
Rise, clasp My hand, and come!"
Halts by me that footfall:
Is my gloom, after all,
Shade of His hand, outstretched carressingly?
"Ah, fondest, blindest, weakest,
I am He whom thou seekest!
Thou dravest love from thee, who dravest Me."