I knew it! No half- measures. God won't be satisfied with anything less than total abandonment to His Divine Will. Anything less leaves us incomplete and He wants us whole. Wholly His, that is. His idea of wholeness differs from mine, unfortunately ;) He wants a holiness that I cannot even comprehend yet. Jesus is stalking me like a panther...I kid you not. And it's scaring the daylights out of me. I'm being totally honest here. I'm pinning fear and anger to the cross left and right as He works through muck from my childhood. I got used to living in a certain way back then and He doesn't like it! Says it's not me... just a foolish picture I carry of myself that has no place in truth. A caricature. I always knew my protective devices would come back and bite me in the rump. I've been through this so many times that you would think I could just submit myself gracefully at this point. But noooo... I run almost every time. A good word of advice - don't ever think He's finished with you because He's not. I learned this after our first few go-rounds.
God's quicker than me though. Much quicker. He succeeds in hedging me in every time and there's no way out except - through Him. This has become my only egress. Sometimes it makes me laugh...there's no way you can outwit God. Doesn't stop me from trying though. I'll run in circles until I'm tuckered out, then I'll have a massive tantrum (makes me feel better though it probably doesn't do much for God). At this point I'm so exhausted I give up...and He heals me of whatever I've been running from. Does this sound familiar? Maybe to the hard-headed ones like me ?
No wonder He is called "The Hound of Heaven".
"Whom wilt thou find to love ignoble thee,
Save Me, save only Me?
All which I took from thee I did but take,
Not for thy harms,
But just that thou might'st seek it in my arms
All which thy child's mistake
Fancies as lost, I have stored for thee at home:
Rise, clasp My hand, and come!"
Halts by me that footfall:
Is my gloom, after all,
Shade of His hand, outstretched carressingly?
"Ah, fondest, blindest, weakest,
I am He whom thou seekest!
Thou dravest love from thee, who dravest Me."
Francis Thompson
He is the only way out. And up. But first we must collapse into Him before we can arise. I feel like collapsing right now, but keep trying to arise out of my own power. Sigh. Have you read Fr. de Caussade's Abandonment to Divine Providence? It is so good. I need to read it again. Here is a good quote from the book:
ReplyDelete"The divine will is a deep abyss of which the present moment is the entrance...Receive your fullness from the will of God alone, it will not leave you empty."
~Fr. Jean-Pierre de Caussade
Yes, I've read it. It would probably be a good time for me to read it again :)
ReplyDeleteMary,
ReplyDeleteAre you sure you weren't writing about me? :)It's a good thing God does not get weary, because I am one of those with the hard heads you speak of. I too need to dig Fr. de Caussade's book out again.
Yes He is the way out and the road is in the shape of a cross!
This is great Mary. Yes certainly can relate. Thanks for sharing. Blessings.
ReplyDeleteThanks Mary!! What a good post. I am reading two books of abandoning oneself to God's Will. Not easy.
ReplyDeleteGod boxes us in so we can't harm ourselves. It's like when Mary wrapped Him in swaddling clothes and laid Him in the manger. He does that to us. Some people like me have to be hit over the head with a 2x4 to get His point, but when we finally do, oh the joy!
ReplyDeleteI really identify with your post. And the book mentioned is one I have and have not read. Maybe now is the right time. God bless you.
Something I feel I received at Fatima were the words... "Never Look Back...Never Hide"
ReplyDeleteThis is simple yet rich with diverse meaning, and some of your recent posts illuminate and confirm part of this for me. Thanks :)