Thursday, May 3, 2012
...But You, You BE Love
I have the bad habit of hounding the Lord when I'm unsure of myself and my place in the "big picture". Problem being - the "big picture" is just too big for me and I often tend to question my place in the scheme of things. In a world so focused on productivity it's very easy to feel lost and unwanted and this is the position I found myself in recently. Confused and feeling as if I just might be expendable. To others, certainly, and maybe, just maybe, to the Lord? This is an area where I often have difficulty and this type of wrong thinking sneaks up on me and catches me off guard. I have spoken of this type of stinking thinking in previous posts and though I know this thinking is faulty, it still creeps in from time to time. (I wrote this post a while back before my posts on the false kingdoms we create for ourselves and saved it in draft form. Today, I figured, "Why not publish it? Surely others go through similar difficulties.")
I should have known that the Lord had a lesson in store for me. I just didn't realize just how powerful this lesson would be. The Lord was about to topple my false world (as usual) and set it aright again.
It began shortly after starting my series on the seven deadly sins. After reading through them a few times I questioned the Lord:
"How dare I write these, Lord? What gives me the right to do this when I am obviously so full of the very things I am writing about?" I felt ashamed that I was still having trouble with the seven deadly sins (maybe not all seven but certainly a couple) and I wondered if God could possibly be thinking, "What unmitigated gall?! Who does she think she is?!"
I forgot that God does not think as we do and that his strength is made perfect in weakness. More importantly, the words I spoke in the previous paragraph lack humility and trust. I looked at myself and took my eyes off of Him. When I doubt the Lord like this I seem to lose what I call "the anointing". When this anointing comes upon me words flow out of me as easily as water flows down a mountain. When it's not there? It's like trying to pass a boulder through the eye of a needle. I'll write a bit more about this at some point because it's something that has always fascinated me and I can often pick up when someone else is writing under "the anointing" too because the Holy Spirit floods my being. It's a bit like getting zapped by electricity. No doubt it's the Lord's way of saying, "Pay attention! You need to read this!"
After I questioned the Lord and wallowed in self-pity for a sufficient amount of time (well, at least the Lord thought it was enough time), the Lord came back with:
And He had a good point. Who better to write about the deadly sins than someone who struggles with them? Strange as it may seem, I learn from my own posts. While I am writing them I often become aware that the Holy Spirit is sometimes asking me to work on the very things I am writing about in a deeper way. And that He will teach me something new at the same time.
Back to the reason for this post. Over the past few months one of the questions that has often been on my lips during prayer has been:
"What's my mission, Lord? What did you create me to be? Am I doing what I'm supposed to be doing or am I failing utterly? Am I called to simply be a mother, a cleaner, a housewife? Why do I feel so unproductive and confused right now?
I then compared myself (another mistake) to someone I know very well who seems to be extremely productive and found myself lacking. "I wish I could be more like so-and-so, Lord." Not expecting an answer, I was much surprised when I received a word that God had plans for "so and so", I was not to focus on others, and I was called to "be love". I couldn't help but note the "BE" part of this word. It suggests more than simply to act in a loving manner. To "BE love" suggests that this love is already a part of us and simply needs to flow outward onto others. I knew this because I know about the indwelling of Love Himself, but I don't think it had sunk deeply enough into my heart yet. There is a huge chasm between head knowledge and heart knowledge.
I rarely share personal words but I decided to share this one because it contains a good lesson:
We are not loved for what we do but for who we are. It always comes back to this. It was a reminder to me not to get caught up in the world's idea of productivity but rather to live in the present moment and allow the Lord to work through me, weaknesses and all. When I rely upon myself rather than God's grace...no good comes of it. When I rely on my own strength I quickly become discouraged, overwhelmed; I feel drained and paralyzed. When I lean on the Lord I feel peaceful and quiet inside. The inner turmoil is dispersed, I am happier, and I have more energy.
Thank you, Lord, for correcting me.
I have no idea why there is a huge space from this point to my comment section. Anyone know how to fix it? Electronically challenged people DO still exist. I can't even figure out which of my husband's four remote controls turns on the TV yet!