Thursday, October 13, 2011

Simple Laws of Life - How "Regular" People Become Holy

I have learned a lot thus far during my years here on earth. Here are some of the lessons I've learned:

~ If you knock something off the counter in the bathroom it's almost a guarantee that it will fall into the toilet. Especially if it's a toothbrush or dental floss. This is God's way of teaching us "to be neat and close the seat".

~The grocery bags with the glass jars of red tomato sauce are always the ones that rip. This is God's way of teaching us not to swear.

~ Even if your house is mostly flooring, a new puppy will find the two carpets in your home and do his "business" on them. Pups like to "go" in comfort and carpets are softer and warmer on their paws. The chances of a puppy "going" on your rug rises to almost 99.9% if the puppy has diarrhea. This is God's way of teaching us humility. Picking up "dog poo" will do that (yes, humble you) after the 100th time. It also may be God's subtle way of hinting that you just might be a bit smellier than the dog and that it's time to go to Confession.

~ If you are in a terrible rush driving to an appointment that you waited until the last minute to leave the house for, you will most likely be stuck behind two elderly nuns off to do the convent grocery shopping and travelling at 15 miles per hour because they took a vow of poverty and the grocery store tempts them. Never try to pass said elderly nuns, they drive in "beastmobiles" or other very large sedans and take up most of the road. They'll throw you to the curb in a heartbeat. This is God's way of teaching us patience. Yes, and prudence also. Trust me on this one.

~ If a store is having a 75% off sale and you have a 25% off coupon do NOT, I repeat, do NOT, go to the store that rhymes with "Bohl's". This is a subtle tactic of Satan's to get you to spend money frivolously and works on most women because women believe that 75 and 25 equals 100. The devil is a liar, though, and makes the 75 and 25 add up to just 76. How he does this I'll never know... but the Lord allows it to help teach us to be good stewards of money and to rid us of greed. (And, personally, God, I think this one is very unfair for teaching us wisdom. A simple two-by-four over the head might work more quickly.)

~ If you decide to take "just a quick dash down to the store" with greasy hair, no make up, and ratty sweatpants, you are likely to run into every old school friend (male and female) you've ever known but haven't seen for twenty years and the words, "Boy, did she go downhill..." will echo through your ears as you stand in the longest checkout line in history. God allows this to teach you not to be vain. It also teaches you not to be a glutton as you realize that "just maybe" that pint of "Ben and Edy's Maximum Choco-power Caramel Swirl Delite" is NOT a necessity...not even on "those" days. He also uses this to teach you that you actually DO NOT have ESP and cannot read the minds of others. This is a great one (in God's eyes) because it kills three birds with one stone.

P.S. (Those coupons don't work at "Lacy's" either. Not even at "J.C. Pennypinchers".)

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