The Dark Corners of Our Hearts

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Indeed, the word of God is living and effective, sharper than any two-edged sword, penetrating even between soul and spirit, joints and marrow, and able to discern reflections and thoughts of the heart. No creature is concealed from him, but everything is naked and exposed to the eyes of him to whom we must render an account."   Heb. 4:12,13

Purification. A word that sets me trembling if I'm being honest. I like it... but hate it. I'm glad God cares enough about us to do this for us... though I have to admit that it is painful at times. Especially when He is dredging up muck from the past, the "stuff" that you are unaware is deeply hindering you and keeping you from progressing spiritually.

It goes something like this:

God will pour light on certain unconscious behavior patterns, you begin to realize WHY you have been acting in certain ways for most of your life and you wonder "why wasn't this obvious to me" before now.

Everything becomes clear as a bell. It was hidden from you until now.

And it's a long, slow process. Most of the time, at least.

Years ago, when God first began to do this work in me, I was very resistant to it because I didn't understand what was going on. Was I really relating to others through the lens of the past? Through the scars of my upbringing?

Yes, I was. Still am no doubt. Everyone does this to some degree or another. There are no perfect families and everyone has wounds that they hide and behaviors they use to cover them or to protect themselves.  We just aren't aware of them.

Until the Holy Spirit makes us aware of them.

Even though some of these behaviors began as coping devices and may have been crucial to our survival growing up, not only are they no longer needed but they are detrimental to our spiritual health. If we refuse to let them go, our spiritual growth seems to come to a grinding halt. I've been "stuck" more than once due to my refusal to see. It's hard at times because these are unconscious habits so when they are brought to your attention by the Holy Spirit your first response is often: "Say what?? What do you mean I'm defensive? I'm not defensive!" (Lol. This is just an example...uhm...I think.)

Many of these less than lovely traits have to do with the way we relate to others and they need to be healed so we can love well.

Whenever I am going through a time of purification and I sense a lot of resistance on my part I turn to Mother Mary in prayer. I've found that Our Lady is a great, great help during these times. She sweetens even the most painful processes.

Her "ways are pleasant ways and all her paths are peace".

Those Fiery Darts

In my last post I spoke about the "meeking" process that we all undergo at some point or another. It's important to note that these fiery darts are aimed at the ego, not the true self. In my posts The Finger of God  and A Firm Foundation for Healing  I wrote about the need for healing of your innermost being, the shucking of negative labels off your back, because these false labels interfere with your mission in life. We need to be able to differentiate between the blows of satan aimed at destroying our true self and the fiery darts allowed by God that are helpful to us in recognizing certain patterns of sin in our lives.

Sometimes, when we are resistant to seeing these sin patterns and the flaws within ourselves God will speak through others. This is so that we'll become aware of the area that God would like us to focus on - an area that He is usually working on also. For example: if a number of friends or family members suggest that your thinking process may be a stumbling block in your life...then it's a very good possibility that this may very well be the case. Or if you have a tendency to overreact and everyone around you seems to point this out quite often then, hey, it's likely they just might be onto something.

Over the years, I've noticed that a big issue of mine seems to be with my thought life. After working on it for many years I thought I was doing a very good job in this area but I was overlooking the more subtle poisonous thoughts that can creep into our minds and go unnoticed by us if we don't stay alert. I bought into the lie that we can't control our thoughts. We may not be able to choose exactly what thoughts go (because we also have to deal with the spiritual realm in this area) into our minds but we can certainly have a choice in deciding what we want to dwell on. We can also be aware of just what we are feeding our minds. The more trash you put in there... the more trash is likely to come out. If you feed it poison, that poison is going to seep out somewhere, some way.

An issue I struggle with is passivity. God has called me on this a number of times, as have others. Some folks are under-reactors not over-reactors. Both these extremes can be problematic but, whereas overreacting is obvious, the effects of underreacting are much more insidious. The problem with passivity is that it can look so good on the surface but it can keep you from taking direct action to solve a problem. To my own mind I considered it "surrendering things to God". Sad, yes. Truth was, I often felt overwhelmed and refused to take the steps necessary to fix a problem. It's something I still battle with. And it bears no resemblance to true surrender. God is an active God.

And I probably never would have noticed if God didn't use many (many, many...lol) others to point this out over the years. So, though I was not grateful for the correction at first, in the long run it has been very helpful. At least now, I am aware of it and can take measures when I notice it coming into play. I think I've written about this before here (and, my apologies, you'll no doubt see more about this subject because I often see this trait at work in our world and its fruit can be devastating...both to individuals and nations).

Human nature has a tendency to resist correction, especially if it's worded badly. It's much better when it comes from a trusted friend or family member but this isn't always the case. At times it comes from the least expected place, like out of the mouth of your friend's child or maybe a co-worker. The point is: when we hear the same thing over and over it may be a good idea to pay attention to what others are saying.

Without question, there are also times when we should not listen to what others are saying. When an accusation is leveled at the very being of a person we should toss it right out. We need to be able to discern the difference between the two. Telling someone that they are stupid or unlovable attacks the being of the person not the actions of the person.

One tears down a person while the other is aimed at a behavior - this makes it easier to discern between the two.

(You can see the  "meeking" process at work in the combox of blogs at times. Every time I see this at work I can't figure out why the other person isn't "getting" it, especially when it's obvious... and then I remember how long it takes me to "get" it, even when it's obvious to others, and I understand :-)

The Finger of God

"Peace I leave with you; my peace I give to you. Not as the world gives do I give it to you. Do not let your hearts become troubled or afraid." John 14:27




I've been meditating on this verse from John for many years now. When God first drew me back to himself I used to beg and plead for his peace daily. God would give it to me but I would lose it again easily as the cares and anxieties of the world set back in.

The Lord's peace... oh, how I craved this. The finger of God upon my heart always.

This is the precious gift I've longed for my entire life...this peace that surpasses all understanding. I reached for it but it kept slipping through my fingers. I could not grasp it, I leaked grace like a broken vessel. Because I was (and am) a broken vessel.

I didn't know that God especially treasures broken things. That He tossed aside his crown and came down to earth to save what was broken.

I didn't understand that He gave his peace to broken men.

 God wants us to have peace during our earthly journey. When Jesus gave his peace to his disciples they were far from perfect so this peace isn't dependent on your "idea of perfection". No, this peace flows from the understanding that God loves us dearly. It's a gift to his beloved sons and daughters. He treasures each and every one of us and knows who we are and who He created us to be. In order to trust in God's picture of us, we first need to throw out all the false pictures that others have painted for us over the years. And the ones we have painted for ourselves.

Toss them out like the garbage they are.

But what if we think that others just may be correct in the way they see us?

They can't be correct because they can only see a tiny piece of who you are.  Without seeing and knowing the deepest part of you they cannot have this kind of understanding of who you are.

You are not who others think you are, no one knows you but God. We become layered with other people's misconceptions of us until we cannot even see ourselves anymore. They form clouds over our hearts blocking out the full light of God's love.

Ask the Lord to reveal your true self. It may be gradual (or not), but God will show you that only His perception of you is the true one. And you are His child. Counterattack your unloving thoughts about yourself with the knowledge that He loves you. He loves you with an infinite love. Believe in this. It is total truth. Let Him love you; you were created to live in this love. This love is the firm foundation of your entire existence. Let your life flow outward from this base of love and things will run much more smoothly. We place in our path so many obstacles to receiving the clear light of the Holy Spirit and this need not be so.

Remember to treat yourself with the same mercy that God treats you with. God is incredibly merciful to us and so, we too, must treat his creation lovingly...which includes ourselves.

May the finger of God be upon you always.
 

Tools for Healing

God wants to heal us. If there is one thing I've learned over the years it is that God desires to heal us more than we desire it ourselves. Christ came to heal the wounds of sin and this healing begins in time. That may seem pretty obvious to many but you'd be surprised at what I hear at times. One of the oddest is that we aren't healed until we reach Heaven. Yes, I've heard this statement a few times too often. Until that time we are left to our own devices. When I think about it I realize that this type of thinking makes God seem...well...

...stingy.

 As if He withholds healing and grace at whim depending on his mood that day.

Yikes!

That sounds more like us, if you ask me.

Many times we are blocking the healing in some way. We may not like to hear that we still have a lot of inner work that needs to be done.

Pride may be a factor.

We are impatient and want God to heal us instantly but very often we need to learn things about ourselves first. What if He gave you an enormous healing but because you have certain patterns of behavior or thinking that aren't healthy you end up right back where you started? Wouldn't that be worst? God wants to heal us...but He wants it to stick.

God's not going to heal an area that you refuse to let Him touch so the first thing to do is to invite Him into the area you are asking Him to heal. A simple prayer like this is fine:

Jesus, I am in deep need of emotional healing and I ask you to begin to bring healing to this area of my life. Today, I place my emotions under your gentle mastery and I  place my trust in your healing love.

Here are some things to consider:

~ Naming your emotions - This is very important for those who have suppressed their emotions for years.
    The first step in naming your emotions isn't so much getting this right as it is becoming aware that you have emotions...and very strong ones at that.
~ Feeling these emotions and bringing them  to God in prayer. If I cannot do this during the course of the day then I do it at bedtime when I go over my day with the Lord.
~Pay attention to your emotional responses to others. Years ago, the Lord made me aware that I sometimes used my emotions to manipulate others instead of speaking clearly and addressing the problem.
~ Many of us were taught that certain emotions were sinful and this is why we suppressed them. Though our brain may tell us it's ridiculous, we automatically feel guilt when we become angry. If you look back into your earlier years you may find that this is a conditioned response. Anger in itself is not a sin - it's what you  do with the anger that becomes the problem (taking it out on others, sitting and stewing in it).
~ Exerting rigid control over your emotions is draining and they'll "leak" out in various ways if you don't address them as they come.
~Using religion to cover up the inner work that needs to be done (doing more and more outwardly to mask inner conflict/ attempting to change others before changing yourself - excessive religiosity). An example would be a person who focuses too much on the outward signs of religion while neglecting the inner because their pride won't accept the need for personal change.)
~ Be aware of the connection between suppressed emotions and the Seven Deadly Sins (For example
    "stuffing" your emotions with food. Addictions are common among suppressors because they deal with emotions in an unhealthy fashion. If gluttony (over-eating, alcoholism, substance abuse, over-exercising, etc..) seems to be a particular problem for you this may be a sign that you need to work on your emotions. Sloth, too, has a connection with the emotions. They all do.You may have a better chance of overcoming these if you address the area of your emotions first.

Here's a quick list of tools and tips that may be helpful:

~Generational healing/ healing of the family tree
 
    - Intergenerational Healing by Fr. Robert DeGrandis
    -Healing Your Family Tree by Fr. John Hampsch
    - Life Missions, Family Healing by Michael H. Brown
    -Claretian Teaching Ministry (website)
    -Camelot Warfare Library  (website)

~Inner Healing
     - Praying the Rosary for Inner Healing by Fr. Dwight Longenecker
     - Healing Through the Mass by Fr. Robert DeGrandis
     - Catholic Therapists.Com - There are some good articles here
   

~Naming your emotions - don't worry if you are wrong at first, the point is to notice that you actually have the entire package of feelings.

~Accepting your emotions - don't immediately push them away without attempting to discover what they are trying to tell you. While emotions are certainly not the first thing we should rely on, they can still give us a great deal of information about ourselves. Give them their place but make sure you don't give them first place. As I wrote in a previous post, you cannot master your emotions if you are unable/unwilling to express them -they will always master you. Whether subtly or overtly, if ignored, they will exert  an influence on you.

 ~Paying attention/going over your day with the Lord.

~Reading the Psalms. David was a very passionate man and the Psalms express many different emotions. He never hid them from God, but rather, expressed them freely in prayer. This is a good model for us to use.



The glory of God is a human being fully alive.
                                       St. Irenaeus

A Firm Foundation for Healing

There was a crooked man and he walked a crooked mile,
He found a crooked sixpence upon a crooked stile.
He bought a crooked cat, which caught a crooked mouse.
And they all lived together in a crooked little house.
                           A Mother Goose Nursery Rhyme

I always loved this nursery rhyme. Even as an adult I can relate to this "crooked man who walked a crooked mile". Every part of his life was crooked and I wonder if he was even aware how crooked everything in his life was? Or, did everything look straight from his crooked perspective?

Sometimes we are not even aware of just how crooked and skewed our perspective on life is and things look straight to us when they are really off kilter. We have a difficult time discerning the truth about things. For example, look at what's going on around the earth right now.

It hasn't escaped my notice that even the earth rotates on a tilted axis. I sometimes kid around with the Lord and ask if He did it on purpose to make up for our skewed vision. "I'll just tilt them a bit to the right since they tend to list to the left by nature."

 I know, that is sooo...not funny ;) Plus, it doesn't really tilt to the right - it all depends on how we look
  at it.

But the point I'm making is that we often don't even see  our own "crookedness". We are bent but since everyone around is bent too it's not as obvious as it should be.

Or it wasn't...until someone who was not bent at all stepped into the picture. He came and taught us how we should live. He laughed and He cried. He grieved and felt fear. He got angry. He was not afraid to show his emotions.

In my last post I spoke about the difficulties we face when we stifle or bury our emotions. We may lack peace and joy in our lives or feel as if something is missing. We feel far from complete. I think the first thing  some of us may need to understand is that all people have the same basic emotions as we do. God didn't parcel out joy to one, sadness to another, fear to the third - it just doesn't work this way. Yes, each person is unique and some emotions may take precedence over others depending on the person's individual personality but God doesn't withhold joy on a whim. Temperaments are different but we all carry the full package of emotions.

So where do those who need emotional healing start?

As I wrote in a previous post a good place to begin may be with the way you see yourself. I say this  because it's much more difficult to accept the healing that the Lord longs to do if you don't love yourself. I'm not talking about the negative kind of self-love that is selfish and self-serving - I'm talking about the kind of love that stems from the knowledge that God loves you totally and completely. The bad kind of self-love stems from loving the false you - the one you created (with the help of others), not the real you that God created in his image and likeness. The reason why I published the post on self-image first is because we have to be able to accept gifts freely. How can God heal someone who pushes away the gift He offers? (I don't deserve this gift, etc...) God's grace is not about deserving, it's not performance related. We have to cut loose wrong thinking such as:

If I try hard enough to please Him maybe God will heal me. Many of us realize that this type of faulty thinking doesn't come from God but usually stems from an upbringing that was based on conditional love... and there may have been many, many, conditions to receiving this love. These messages may have been spoken or they may have been silent messages - love withheld for performance reasons that leave a child in a place of trying to earn love all the time. The problem with this is that we take these spoken or unspoken messages into adulthood with us and continue with that "people pleasing" mentality. And it never, ever works. Just take a look at the performance based society we live in and then take a look at the fruit it has borne. Abortion is another fruit of this type of thinking.

God works things the other way around. First you are loved and all else that you do proceeds (or should) from this love. Mother Teresa knew God's love and her great works proceeded from this love.

Man, if you only knew how hard God has had to pound this into my head. "You are loved not for what you do but for who you are - my child."  I was a people pleasing, performance based thinker through and through. I still battle with this at times. No wonder the Scripture, "And Pilot, wanting to please the crowd, released to them Barabbas" always bothered me so much. This people pleasing thing had to go. The work wasn't the problem, the thinking was. (Remember when I mentioned the "double yoke" syndrome in a previous post? Here's another reason for it.)

The performance based life makes you feel like a puppet, the love based life frees you. This base matters very much. It's far easier to do things from a position of love. Think of the word "performing"-
doesn't it make you think of acting or pretending? God doesn't like "performing" either - we are people, not trained monkeys. (Please note : I am not speaking about the theological issue of justification here but rather our having a firm foundation of love to stand on.)

A big plus of working from a love base versus a performance base is that the first allows grace free reign while the second stifles it.

 So, the question is:

  Are we living out our lives from the solid base of God's love? From our true selves? Or does the way we live proceed from the very shaky foundation of trying to please others (performing/ego boosting).

I stress this love base so much because in order for us to receive the emotional healing we need we have to trust God and feel safe in His Presence because that's exactly where we want to place ourselves to receive this healing. If we don't have this confidence we will more than likely get up and walk away the minute our "avalanche of suppressed emotion" really starts dislodging. Especially if you were taught that certain emotions were sinful. But here's a comforting thought: God already knows everything that is within you  (the good, the bad, and the ugly and some of it is very ugly) and has loved you up until now so it's safe to let this stuff out because you aren't hiding anything from Him anyway.

Emotional healing often comes through prayer. If we don't recognize that God is doing this interior work in us we may mistake it for harassment during prayer. I was afraid at first when "emotional junk" started coming up during my prayer sessions years ago. There were times when my entire prayer session strictly consisted of this kind of upheaval. I used to battle it until I figured out what was going on. Over time, I began to notice how much better I felt within a day or two after these sessions. As if huge burdens were lifted off of me.

We can ask God specifically for this type of healing too. He certainly knows we all need it to some degree or another.

Another thing that has helped me tremendously is praying for intergenerational healing and healing of the family tree. This had an enormous effect on my life. I noticed some immediate changes after going through these series of prayers. If there is a lot of "yuck" in your family history this may be a good area to hit. I had a grandfather who was a 32nd degree Mason and I will go so far as to say it's crucial to do this if any of your ancestors were involved with freemasonry or any other type of occult activity.
We had other issues in our family line but none as detrimental as this. It was worst than everything else all  put together. Freemasonry and Christianity can never be mixed.

In my next post I'll share some other tools and resources that have been helpful to me. God gives us so many avenues of healing that it is a shame if we don't reach out and grasp them. When one person in a family is healed the whole clan reaps the spiritual benefits of it.

Especially the children.



Intense love does not measure, it just gives.
                                    Mother Teresa

Satan's Terrible Blows

Lately, I've been thinking a lot about how God heals us.

A few weeks ago, I was driving home from the grocery store and decided to listen to some Christmas music. I turned on the stereo and heard a woman ask:

 "Who were you before Satan rained down his blows upon you?"

To my complete and utter shock, tears immediately welled up in my eyes. My husband had reset my car stereo recently and had added a Christian station that he thought I'd enjoy listening to but I had forgotten about it. Until that question boomed through my speakers.

Who knew that one sentence could evoke such a powerful emotional response from me? I couldn't
get those words out of my head. Who WAS I before Satan rained down his blows upon me?

 I didn't even know the answer. Raised in a dysfunctional household and an even more dysfunctional world the blows came hard and heavy at a very young age. By the time I reached my teen years I barely recognized myself.

And things only spiraled downwards from there.

Oh, I can easily answer this question from my head. I can reel off a  "pat" answer about  how I am a child of God, created in His likeness and image. I can rattle off to you just what God has done for me and how much He loves me. My mind knew who I was.

But my heart doesn't always know.

"Who were you before Satan rained down his blows upon you?"

I think that one of the reasons this question troubled (and continues to trouble) me so much is because I often ask God who He created me to be. The answer "yourself" is not one that makes a whole lot of sense to me. Sometimes it feels as if I've spent half my life just trying to understand exactly who I am. Or to put it more precisely: who I am in Him.

 And who God is, for that matter.

Here is something that I do know about myself:

God sees me far differently than I see myself. I am already healed in eternity. How do I know this? Because I've seen it a number of times. A perfect picture of me - healthy, whole, and smiling at God. Full of peace and joy. I can see it shining through my eyes in this future vision. I see this picture often, especially when I go before The Blessed Sacrament during Adoration. As much as I like seeing myself in this way...I can't really relate.

At least, not here in time. Oh no, here in time I am not at all like the picture of me in eternity. I am a caricature of my true self. As a matter of fact, it boggles my mind when I see the other picture.

The reason I am writing about this is because I believe that most of us are in great need of spiritual healing and I think, to start, it would be good to ask these questions:

"Who was I before Satan rained down his blows upon me?"

                                         and

"Heavenly Father? How do you see me in Christ?"




There are no ordinary people. You have never talked to a mere mortal. Nations, cultures, arts, civilizations - these are mortal, and their life is to ours as the life of a gnat. But it is immortals whom we joke with, work with, marry, snub, and exploit - immortal horrors or everlasting splendors.
                                                                                       C.S. Lewis